No announcement yet.

Funny stuff

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    another religious fail



    • #32
      Oh dear..............
      Last edited by Art in Heaven; 09-04-2011, 03:20 PM. Reason: Meh


      • #33



        • #34
          How about some jokes.

          The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner....
          Talk about Dyson with death.

          Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?...
          All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

          I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
          They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

          I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed....
          At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

          I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
          I said "you’re obviously not listening."

          Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
          It's called a wedding cake.

          I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you.She said "is that you or the beer talking?".....
          I replied "it's me talking to the beer."

          The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
          So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

          Sending this to you from A & E- turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.


          • #35
            Wonder what's wrong with this one...
            Life is drama... Drama is art.


            • #36
              This will make you pee

              "Which is better, eternal happiness or a ham sandwich? It would appear that eternal happiness is better, but this is really not so! After all, nothing is better than eternal happiness, and a ham sandwich is certainly better than nothing. Therefore a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness."

              - Raymond M. Smullyan


              • #37

                wrong on soo many levels
                DENN DU BIST, WAS DU ISST.


                • #38

                  Carlsberg stunts in Belgium with 148 bikers in a movie theatre.
                  Some innocent couples want to take their seat, but the room is filled with not-so- friendly gentlemen... How will they react?


                  • #39
                    BOOK, new technology.


                    • #40
                      For Sweeney Todd/ Harry Potter fans
                      Attached Files
                      DENN DU BIST, WAS DU ISST.


                      • #41
                        Damn Fairies;

                        40 years of marriage..

                        A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
                        Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
                        She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

                        The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
                        The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

                        The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
                        The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

                        So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
                        The husband became 92 years old.

                        The moral of this story:
                        Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....


                        • #42
                          I JUST LOVE THIS DOCTOR!

                          Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
                          A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

                          Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
                          A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit.. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

                          Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
                          A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

                          Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
                          A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

                          Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
                          A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

                          Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
                          A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

                          Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
                          A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

                          Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
                          A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

                          Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
                          A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

                          Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

                          And remember:

                          Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


                          For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

                          1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                          2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                          3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                          4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

                          5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                          CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


                          • #43
                            I so love the funny stuff, really made me laugh after coming back to work after a weekend off. I can relate to so much of it working at a leisure centre as so many people are obsessed with what they eat here, you get funny looks if you as much as look at the chocolate in the vending machines.
                            The saying is "You dont know what you have got till its gone" the truth is "You know what you had, you just did not know you would lose it" !!


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Maya View Post
                              Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
                              It's got to be said that American-English is different to British-English....we can spell "colour" properly
                              DENN DU BIST, WAS DU ISST.


                              • #45
                                Doesn't mention british only americans.

                                Maybe I should change it ..........

                                CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking american english is apparently what kills you.